Sharing the News

I’ve been dreaming for a long time about sending an email to friends and family with great news about some milestone reached in my life. This is not that email. It’s bad news at this point for me, but I know that it can and will be used for my good. I have learned recently that I have breast cancer.

If you are on this list, it’s because I trust you. I was surprised at how long the list really is because I find trusting people with myself very difficult. So, there’s already a blessing that in four short years my list of friends has literally more than doubled.

I don’t know much about what’s going to happen at this point (see the detail below). The journey has only just begun and promises to be quite long. I do have to make what feels like a very large decision this week and that’s whether to go with a lumpectomy or full mastectomy, perhaps even double – why just get one new breast after all?

Maggie does not know yet. She’s still in CO. I do not feel safe at all letting this information get to CO. I will be very careful until this is all over to not let the information get to Dave. I just don’t want any unnecessary stress. I don’t want added stress or fear for Maggie either. She’s my biggest concern next to simply surviving this. I want her life to remain as unscathed as possible. There’s my clients too that need to continue finding me prompt and indispensible. Losing my ability to be financially stable and take care of Maggie and I would be the most devastating thing of all. I’ve worked extremely hard since about age 15 to be financially independent.

As a matter of fact, I don’t want to share the information widely at all. I don’t like to talk about it much because I’m just not an openly emotional person. I’m a ridiculously optimistic person with crazy dreams in spite of no real indications they’ll come to pass. Yet, I still keeping working at it and believing. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me or treating me with kid gloves. I want your prayers and certainly information if you have access to something or someone helpful. If you live nearby, I’ll sure appreciate food for Maggie once the dreaded chemotherapy begins – I’m told this is not an option despite being more scared about that than anything else about the process. 

Among you are varying degrees of faith in God and I respect that. You’ll be hearing me talk regularly about how God is at work in this. I’ll do so to record and remind myself that God has not forgotten about me. I’ll continue to believe he works all things for the good of those who love him because otherwise the rest of my faith is meaningless. The unshakeable belief I’ve come to in the last eight years or so has been hard won after years of searching under every rock just to be sure, after in large part losing my marriage over it.  I don’t eat anything with a spoon offered by another. I have to find out first hand everything the hard way. If you’re still wondering yourself, I can tell you from not one but many first hand experiences – there is a God and he’s very personal. Perhaps what happens to me will heighten your own awareness of the fact that he’s looking for you.  My personal mission for the last five plus years has been to influence growth and the knowledge of God within people. Here’s another chance, I guess.

My first talk with him about this pointed out that I’ve been praying for proverbial bread for a very long time and that this feels a lot like a snake.  

Yet, since the day I left the doctor’s office numb with this news, I’ve been blown away by the “chance” meetings and recent connections that are already proving helpful. Exactly one week after receiving this news I lay in bed willing myself to consciousness from dreams of evil doctors and large brown spiders in my bed. A distinct sound brought me fully awake. A tree had just fallen. I went outside and by a very faint predawn light could see that an enormous arm of a very large oak tree had split right off.  It took out a smaller magnolia tree and a couple Adirondack chairs but otherwise lay gracefully across a wide expanse of our yard.

I stared at the jagged wound left by the weight of the breaking arm but noted that the big, towering tree was otherwise just fine. A voice in my spirit that I know to be God, because the words are always way simpler and wiser than anything I ever say, said, “Sometimes I have to prune a lot but you’re going to live.”

I didn’t think there was anything else left to prune, but here we go.

What I know:

•       Invasive ductal carcinoma. Triple negative. 2 cm tumor, right breast. High grade III. Aggressive growing. Tumor 

                 anywhere from 3 to 8 years growing.

•       I lymph node tested negative - good news.

•       Surgery will be soon at Wake Forest Baptist Health – Dr. Ed Levine, Chief of Surgical Oncology. Raved over by 

                 all who know anything about this stuff. Performed surgery on my doctor 12 years ago.

•       Next appointment is July 8 to meet oncologist, radiologist, plastic surgeon and get results of further blood work        

                and chest x-ray.

•       Choice to make right away is whether to go with a lumpectomy (requires radiation and chemotherapy with a 10 to 15 percent chance of reoccurrence) or mastectomy (requires chemotherapy only). Then there’s decisions about reconstruction or not, etc.

•       Surgery projected next 2 to 3 weeks. Depending on what I decide, no overnight in hospital to several days. Chemotherapy 4 to 6 months.